So yeah, I’m gonna whine a little bit….. I’m sorry.
So I was at church and I saw a friend I haven’t seen in a long while. I used to have EXTREMELY strong feelings for him, I still have feelings for him, but it I’ve managed to pretty much get over him. I’ve had the week from hell, I mean it’s just been one thing after the other, after the other. It’s awful. So this friend and I were talking, just catching up, and I was explaining my week to him, and he asked me if I needed a hug. I mad the BIGGEST mistake and said yes. It isn’t that I didn’t want a hug, frankly I really needed one, but because it was him, it was like opening a big ass can of worms and feelings and shit I thought I had repressed into nothing. I was wrong. So I hugged him and I know it sort of sounds odd, but it was the best hug just about ever. Worse than that, when we said goodbye we hugged again, and all any of it did was bring up a lot of things I have tried really hard to stop bringing up. I know it’s stupid, and frivolous, and childish, and juvenile, and all that crap, but damn it I can’t help it. I’ve spent over 2 years trying to get over this guy and it seems like every time I get close to really moving on this sort of thing happens and brings it all back up. It’s not like he’s into me or anything, he has a girlfriend, and I accepted that a long time ago, it’s still hard to deal with some times, sure, but I’m not letting something so trivial and unimportant to my life stop my life from moving forward.
I don’t really know what the point of all of this is, I guess I just needed to get it all off of my chest. I know this all sounds like total bullshit, and really whiny 16 year old love-struck girl, but that’s where I am right now. Sure, it’s ugly, and nasty and painful, and rude, and disgusting and it sucks, but everyone goes through and I guess it’s just my turn, but no matter what it feels like I’ve been stabbed in the chest repeatedly with a dull serrated knife.
My name is Marion. I’m 16 and I’ve been in love with the same boy since I was 11. I’ve known this young man since I was 4, and we used to be closer than anything, and we aren’t anymore, and it sucks. It hurts every day. But I’m working through it, and that’s all I can do. I know this awfully cliche and stupid but I don’t care. If you’ve ever seen Les Mis you could compare the situation to that of Eponine and Marius, except it only feels as though I’ve died, but at the end of it all I’m still a ghost of myself. I miss him. I love him. I want him. But loves her, and he wants her. And I know he’ll never be mine, I do know this, but it hurts every damn day and I wish it would just stop already, because I’m tired of hurting. I tired of wanting to be happy. Why can’t I just BE happy already? I guess I still need closure of some sort, I just don’t know how to go about getting it. It was sort of messy the way my friend and I had our falling out, and we’ve finally gotten to a place where we can talk again, and I can’t even begin to express how amazing that feels, and I fear that if I try to talk to him now I’ll lose him all over again, and I don’t think I’d be able to make it out alive for a second time. I’m not saying I’m suicidal or anything, because I’m not. I just don’t think I could make it through without some sort of a mental or emotional breakdown that would probably end up very badly.
I’ve wasted enough of your time and my own. I’m sorry you wasted your time reading this. There really isn’t much, or really any point to it. Just a stupid teenager trying to let go of some painful memories she’s tired of lingering onto. In a way those memories are like the story of Rumplestiltskin. The girl who tried to make gold out of straw and in the end she nearly lost everything she held dear. Well, I’ve been holding onto bad memories thinking they’ll turn into hope when all it does is deepen the hole I’ve dug myself into. Enough of my self pity and loathing. It’s late and I need to get to sleep. I have a full day of saving face and pasting on empty smiles to get through.
Thanks for listening.